Long blond curly hair, big crystal-blue eyes and pink rosy cheeks. A chubby little cherub. That was me at the age of three. At least, that is what everyone else saw. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone with a lot of work to do. You see, there had always been a little voice inside my head telling me that I was special. There was a reason for me to be on this earth. Certain that I was here to do something that would better all humanity, I became focussed. I was a three-year-old with a purpose!
I began contemplating the direction I should take. Right away I knew that I should consider all life sacred, so I made it my personal goal to save every insect that made its way into the house. Every beetle had a name and I did my best to provide a comfortable place in my room for all of them to reside. The thought of killing a fly or even a mosquito was more than I could bear! I'm not quite sure what happened to all of my little friends. They never died; they just seemed to disappear!
My little sister was the only one I ever showed my friends to and she was amazed that I could remember all of their names! I suspect that my mother must have known about them. She probably just shook her head and smiled as she cleaned them up, not wanting to see me hurt if I found them curled up and not moving. This was a very noble cause, I thought, but it wasn't quite satisfying enough. There must have been something else I was supposed to do! I remember going to my cousin’s confirmation. While riding in the car on the way home I announced proudly and with conviction, "I want to be a nun!" I found it! Finally, I found it! I knew what I was supposed to do!
My mother looked at me, smiled, and said, "Oh honey, that’s a wonderful thing to want to be . . . but you're not Catholic."
"Oh," I said, and turned to look out the window, searching for my mission. Mission! That's it, I thought, “I am supposed to be a missionary! I will travel around the world helping people everywhere. My job will be to give them food and medicine and all the love I can muster! That's it!” I was content . . . for a while.
In the daytime I loved to lie on the grass and watch the clouds making pictures against a beautiful blue canvas sky. At night I would try to count the stars, imagining that each one represented a person I would help. Now that I knew what my mission was, I could take some time to enjoy life. I knew I couldn't travel the world until I was just a little older.
The things that made me happiest were the same things that made most normal children happy . . . the performing arts, of course! My mother was active in community theatre and was the most talented actress I had ever seen. I watched in awe as she studied her lines and rehearsed her blocking. She must have had the lead role in every play that was ever written. She was the most amazing woman on earth and I loved to be anywhere near her. I would learn all of the lines for the other characters in the play just so I would have a good reason to be in the same room. If I knew their lines, she could use me to help her learn hers! That would make me special to her! Of course, this gave me the acting bug. I wanted to perform for an audience myself! I tried out for all the talent shows at school and I made it every time! Did you know in elementary school, everyone who auditions makes it into the show? I was oblivious to this.
The best part of being in a talent show was that my mother would help me prepare a number! She would choreograph a little dance for me and spend hours in our living room, helping me perfect my little song and dance! She made all of my costumes and naturally, she came to every show. I was in heaven!
Talent shows are one thing, musical productions are something else. Not realizing that just showing up got me into all of those talent shows, I thought I would be a shoo-in for a role in an upcoming musical. As exciting as it was, I thought the audition was just a formality. Of course they would cast me in the show! Probably the lead. I had so much experience, and I was, you know, special!
There was an entire week of preparation, just for the auditions. I had to learn a dance number and prepare a song to sing with their pianist! I practiced everything until I knew it all, like I had been performing it on Broadway. It would be useful when we started rehearsing for the actual show. Audition day came. I was a little intimidated during the audition with the pianist because up until now, I had only sung songs to the records my mother played. When the pianist asked me, "What key?" I thought she was nuts. I didn't know why she was asking me about a key. Well, she played, and I sang. If it sounded like we were doing the same number, it was purely accidental. I was very confused. There was a knot in my stomach that felt as big as a basketball. I had never experienced anything like this before, and I didn't like it. Before I ever left the room, I knew I wasn't going to be in the show. All that rehearsing. What was it for? I had reached the lowest point in my short life.
Obviously, I was not meant to be sidetracked in life with such a meaningless activity! This is how I explained my failure to myself. My biggest concern was: What would my mother think? I could accept this, but could she? She was the last person in the world that I would ever let down. It was time to go home and face her . . . time to let her see me as a failure. How could anything be worse than this?
She could see that I was heartbroken. I thought she thought I was heartbroken because I didn't get the part. I was prepared for a look of disappointment on her face, and of course, a pep talk (out of motherly obligation). Something about how you can't win them all and it was a good experience and you’ll get 'em next time!
That is not what the most amazing woman on earth does. Instead, she smiles at you, holds you in her arms
and says . . .
you have always been my angel. They may not see it, but there is something I have known since the day you were born.
I see it in your eyes, you are . . .
. . . special