How does one overcome the feeling of worthlessness? If there were only some magic potion that could change you from meaning nothing to anyone, into everything to someone. I would take it in a heartbeat. A heartbeat. That's it! A simple heartbeat was my salvation. Inside of me was a beating heart that would grow into someone that would love me with no strings attached. Wow! I was going to have a chance to redeem myself. At least in the eyes of one soul. I was going to be a mother! I didn't know how to be a mother, but I did know that I could love unconditionally. I would put no expectations on this child and would teach it that no matter what, there would be no failure in my eyes.
I still hadn't learned to forgive myself for my past failures, but I wasn't going to let that have any bearing on the love I knew I could give. At last, I had a purpose.
I still cared a little too much about what other people thought of me, and I found a way to cast my guilt onto the father of the child. This was necessary, so that together we could pool our guilt and raise a legitimate, guilt-free child! I was so filled with joy when I looked into the eyes of my daughter that I didn't have time to consider any larger challenges, like saving the world.
God must have known what a blessing she was to me, because eleven months later, He gave me a son, just so I wouldn't fall back into my old habits of feeling worthless. What a concept. Unconditional love. No strings attached. There were two people on this earth that had no preconceived notion of what I should be. In their eyes, I was perfect.
My children were the most beautiful, well-behaved, kindest, smartest and just plain adorable souls that had ever been created. They never did anything wrong! Why, to this day, I can't think of a single thing they ever did to disappoint me. How could anyone ever hold anything against such beauty? When I looked at them, I only saw perfection! How did I get to be so lucky? Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone could be as perfect as they were?
Of course, I may have been a little partial. After all, they came from within me. The happiness they gave to me was worth all the riches on earth. With them in my arms, I truly was in heaven!
My relationship with my children was bliss. The rest of my life, however, needed some work. Trying to build a loving, lasting and trusting relationship (out of a union that was formed purely out of guilt) would have been a challenge for even the most mentally and spiritually balanced person. They would have recognized it for what it was from the beginning and gone in another direction.
I suppose that since my mission to save the world had been withdrawn, I still felt I needed to save someone. Well, since my children were already perfect, the only other person around was my husband. Poor unsuspecting soul. He had no idea he had become the target of my self-appointed task. If I didn't point out to him how miserable he was, how was he ever supposed to know how happy he could be? He was perfectly willing to stand by his promise to provide for us as best he could. He tried many different occupations, looking for one that would suit him, as well as pay enough to care for his family.
We moved to wherever the jobs sent him. For some reason, anytime he expressed any dissatisfaction with whatever job he was doing, I thought it must have been because of the burdens I had laid on him. I made sure to point this out to him.
If you keep telling someone that they would be better off without you, sooner or later . . . they’re going to believe you! Pretty soon, they start seeing the picture you have been painting for them and they start thinking it isn't very pretty. Did I really wonder why he jumped at my offer to go find himself and get happy? I had released the chains of guilt that I hung around him long ago.
I had set him free . . .
. . . no strings.